Recently, we had a question from one of our clients that sparked a lot of meaningful conversations  – both without staff, and with our clients. The names of our clients have been changed to protect identities, but the meaning behind the daily struggle with Trauma Bonds is captured here:

Do you have a question about sex, love, or a relationship?  Just email and ask!  There may be someone else with the same question.  

Marty J asked:

I have a question for you Gina Mae:  I am currently involved in a relationship which I believe is very toxic.  Let me explain:  When things are good, they are incredibly good – very affectionate, caring, and loving, but often without warning a “switch” is flipped and my girlfriend becomes a nightmare.  She becomes mean, dismissive, non-caring, and just frankly, a bitch.  It has created an environment of not knowing where I stand or where we both are in the relationship.  I am in constant state of walking on eggshells or waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I keep forgiving this behavior, but I want to know if I should continue to forgive her OR leave her.  Is there anything I can do to stop this behavior from happening?  This on-off cycle is a trap.  Please help me!

Dear Marty,

There are two parts to your question.  The first part is about deciding whether to stay in the forgiving cycle or to leave.  The second part is how to stop her “switch” behavior that is causing anxiety.

Let’s start with the anxiety feelings first:  The way you describe your relationship cycle indicates you may be trauma bonding with your girlfriend.  What is trauma bonding you ask?  Trauma bonding is adhering to someone through extreme opposite emotional combinations such as on-off, horrible-wonderful, give-withhold, attentive-withdrawn, high-low, love-bomb-distancing, and/or breakup-makeup scenarios. Naturally, one feels anxious with a high level of emotional unpredictability.  Trauma bonding is also a physiological wiring of the human body to yearn for the person one has had a traumatic experience (or series of traumatic experiences) and temporary resolution with.  

What does trauma-bonded mean?  It means there is an established need to be with someone even when you know they are not good for you psychologically or otherwise. There is a deeply addictive nature to it.  If you are wondering, “Does this fit my situation?” or “What does a trauma bond feel like?” I will describe it based on my work with couples and my personal experience. 

Coming from two long-term trauma bonded relationships, I deeply empathize with you.  I stayed in my relationships thinking I was loyal, and that love should be forgiving. That was until my energy was so depleted I could not physically continue, feeling constantly numb, hollow, and like a lifeless version of myself.  Both relationships were a cycle of exciting passion followed by various betrayals, repeatedly. The passion arose from grand gestures that had me believing I was the one-and-only soulmate he could never live without.  The betrayal took many forms such as diminishing my accomplishments, quieting me, criticizing me publicly, hiding secret relationships, and infidelity—once leaving the country to vacation with another lover on the sly.  Time and again promises were made that he never intended to keep.  In both relationships it felt like constant tension, never knowing when the betrayal would rear up again.  The abrupt emotional dump felt like the worst solar plexus gut punch.  It was an unforgettable visceral agony that dropped me to the floor, onto my knees.  In a few instances, the overwhelm was so intense that I temporarily lost the will to live, wanting to somehow escape an unbearable psychological pain.  After the betrayal came the “love-bombing,” which was such an intoxicating form of manipulative enticement that I fell for it.  A cognitive-dissonance cycle was initiated once again. 

If you have ever searched, what is trauma bonding with a narcissist, I can tell you, as a survivor who is now free from narcissistic abuse, I too researched everything I could get my hands on during the years it took me to get out. Trauma bonding with a narcissist is an extreme emotional attachment to a person who (though perhaps unconsciously) is highly unpredictable.  Every now and then the narcissist is attentive but more often will present rejecting behavior.  Narcissism is a cluster-B personality disorder that I liken to an identity fracture.  It is energetically parasitic in nature and makes it difficult for the empathic victim (the host) to break free.  

Marty, even if you could figure out why your girlfriend has a “Jekyll and Hyde” personality, there is no way to stop her behavior.  She may even want to change, but if she is a narcissist, there is a 99% likelihood that her fractured identity would be incapable of it.

As for your question, “should I stay or should I go,” I am going to be honest with you.  The trauma bond may make leaving difficult. 

I often wondered, “why can’t I break free from the narcissist?”   Simply put, my brain had been rewired.  The brain of the host and the brain of the narcissist are neurologically altered by shared dramatic highs and lows, making the empath crave approval and attention from the narcissist.  The narcissist, in general terms, is wired to crave the host’s (or anyone’s) adulation AND PAIN.  

During the abusive phases, our brain produces and releases cortisol and adrenaline; during the reconciliation phase our brain produces and releases “feel-good” dopamine.  In the chaos of mixed feelings these natural chemicals reinforce pathways that alter our brain and nervous system.  The relationship becomes a chemical addiction. Even the sound of the person’s voice can trigger a chemical response. 

In making the right decision, to stay or to go, trust your inner guidance.  How to survive trauma bonding when breaking away from narcissistic abuse (romantic or otherwise) requires fierce determination to cut all ties so that the chemical addiction of the trauma bond can diminish. Requesting support from understanding friends or family and cancelling any soul contract associated with that relationship can tremendously aid your recovery.  After disengaging from the cycle, we can gain perspective.   We can also choose to look at narcissism without harsh judgement.  In my case, I choose not to blame them, just to stay away from them for my own safety.