This post, as the follow-up to my previous article, is a guide for how  to help someone move on from trauma bonding and a narcissistic relationship. Any additional questions you have about this phenomenon or other topics regarding sex, love, or relationships are welcome. Email gina@sextrahelp.com for ideas on how to solve some of the puzzling dilemmas that occur in dating and marriage.  

Often when suffering with cognitive dissonance we need reassurance. Those in the throes of an on-off or volatile relationship may feel hopeless. The anguish may be indescribable. As I reflect, there were many low moments from which escape seemed impossible short of some miracle. My heart goes out to those who have been exposed to the no-win scenarios that are characteristic of most trauma-bonded relationships. As a survivor and therapist, I offer hope and some specific tips that have proven successful in my escape and that of my clients. Surviving trauma bonding and breaking the cycle is absolutely possible. Counterintuitively, it is the emotional abuse that often ties us to continuing dysfunction:  there are many good memories and moments that prop up and extend the length of the trauma-bonded relationship. Good memories, excitement, and intermittent affection tend to reinforce the addiction.  

More to the story 

Marty J decided to take a break from what he believed to be a very toxic relationship. On a Sunday night, he told his girlfriend he wanted some time apart. She broke down in tears begging him to not break up with her, even though all he was suggesting was taking a break, not a breakup. As usual, his girlfriend was not able to consider Marty’s needs and regressed into sobbing hysterics,  declaring that no one would ever love him the way she did. The day after Marty left, she started excessively texting him. At first the texts were about how she missed him, then when Marty asked her to respect his request for some time apart, her texts devolved into ranting, threats, and obscenities. She left voicemails, texts, and even barged into his office at work later in the week wearing a provocative dress, begging for forgiveness and promising she would change. 

Dramatic Endings 

Whether you end it, or they do, you can expect it will be dramatic.  Whether they drop you like a hot potato for someone else or you do the distancing, expect to feel like the rug has been pulled out from where you stand. This is the nature of trauma bonds. No matter how strong the resolve is, the removal of one’s source of neurochemicals (from the one you are trauma bonded to) is like any cold-turkey withdrawal. Being smacked with the emotional tidal wave of the breakup is not all that you have to manage—the physical toll it takes on you is no joke. Everyone is unique in how they mentally process loss or rejection. Getting “unhooked” from the neurochemical addiction will make other aspects of healing possible.  

As mentioned in my previous article, trauma causes a release of adrenaline, cortisol, epinephrine, and dopamine, among other hormones and neurotransmitters. Panic attacks and depression can come simultaneously, even alongside feelings of relief from ending a dramatic and/or abusive relationship. Once trauma bonded, simply thinking about your past partner years later can bring on fight-or-flight heart palpitations. The unpredictable emotional rollercoaster of attention to withdrawal, high to low, love bomb to distancing, and/or makeup to breakup carves indelible grooves that can constantly replay unless precautions are taken.  Body chemistry and neuro-network connections made while in the trauma-bonded relationship can be reactivated even after the relationship has ended. 

Top 3 Tips for how to get over a trauma bond with a narcissistic person.  

Here are my top 3 tips for how to survive and recover from a trauma bond. If you seek the answer to how to recover from Trauma  Bonding, these directions will aid in your body’s “detox.” 

1. Stop seeing them. Cut ties wherever possible so the chemical addiction to volatility can diminish and become manageable (this pertains to energetically cutting cords; see my Advanced Sextra Course to learn more). Remember that every time you have proximity or eye contact, it affects you neurochemically. Eye contact activates the brain’s arousal systems and emotional response, especially in the amygdala (which sits within the limbic system and is critical for empathy and sharing emotions). Often an encounter can feel great, as does the drug with any addiction, or it can feel awful, be it at the time of contact or later. The less personal contact you have — including the visual stimulation that comes from visiting their social media posts, for example — the easier your  recovery will be when you distance yourself to get over a trauma bond with a narcissist.
2. Block their number. Hearing the voice of the person you’re physically addicted to is as powerful a trigger as seeing them.  Depending on where you are in the recovery process, you may be tempted to let this slide. Don’t. The sound of their voice is enough to restart the unhealthy cycle and/or biological addiction. Recently I had a shocking encounter at a professional event, seeing my ex after 11 months. As soon as he spoke, my heart and veins immediately started pumping and I felt the blood draining from my gut, face, and extremities;  I felt the surge of adrenaline. From that brief mutually cordial greeting, the overwhelming effects lasted 72 hours. What felt like a pull of excitement was actually my body’s acute stress response, resulting in a loss of appetite and a vigilant nervousness that, until you have felt it, is hard to describe.  Oddly, just as I sit writing this blog, even the mental recall of the chance exchange has me physiologically light-headed and anxious.  
3. Enroll a close friend. Most 12-step programs suggest getting a sponsor. Recovering from a trauma bond’s physiological addiction is just as tenuous. Ask someone to help. Ideally, it will be a person with whom you are accountable and who sees the unhealthy relationship for what it is. Being alone is not the way to go, especially since there is a tendency to relapse and reengage with the narcissist. By all means, work on yourself and prioritize self-care. Make sure this includes adopting new esteem-building activities and empathic friends (and when you’re ready, a new supportive lover). Going the way of “no contact” with a narcissist is recommended by most experts. No contact will prevent reinforcement of the bond and is a solution that I agree with, whenever possible. Co-dependent Anonymous is another resource that could provide a unique perspective for recovery as well.